Dear Grihastha Coach,

My parents are both from south India and our heritage is traced back to Brahman stock.  However I was born and raised in America and became a devotee in Iskcon four years ago.  There is a very nice devotee who wants to marry me, but he is not Indian.  We both are college graduates, have never been married before, and have been chanting 16 rounds for several months, soon looking to take initiation.  The difficulty is that my parents want me to marry a man from India who is not Vaisnava.  He is a doctor and lives in America also but I would like to marry devotee and am not at all attracted to this doctor.  My parents are quite tolerant of my devotional activities but they are firm on wanting me to marry an Indian.  They have supported me all my life and I do not want to disappoint them.  I want my parents blessing on my marriage. What do you suggest?

Frustrated and Weary

Dear Frustrated,

Wow.  You are definitely not the first devotee we know with this dilemma.  This is a real challenge.  The idea of a Vaisnava being disqualified due to social statuses and even caste considerations is foreign to the divine movement of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu.  Nonetheless, these elements sometimes sneak into our Vaisnava community even though the most fundamental principle of spiritual life is that we are not the body.  But culture and background can be important.  Ultimately, we must weigh how what we do pleases Krsna.  

We appreciate that you respect your parents and are serious about your spiritual life.  This is a good combination for blessings.  Here are a few suggestions:

Prepare your list of advantages to marrying the devotee.  Is he working?  What are his goals?  What kind of personality does he have?  What is his family background? Are they devotees?  Have an astrological chart done by a qualified Vedic astrologer. If you have another relative, an aunt, a cousin, an uncle, a close family friend, with whom you are close and whom you trust, confide in them and enlist their support to speak to your parents.  Pray to be able to hear the inner guidance from the supersoul, the Lord in your heart.  Be patient, respectful and conscientious in dealing with your parents.  Finally, once you’ve done all the above, have a heart to heart with your parents.   

Please see the GVT website (www.vaisnavafamilyresources.org) for articles and resources bout marriage and family relationships. Also, try to find an experienced Marriage/Family Educator or Therapist to assist you in this process.

Sincerely,
Your Grihastha Coach

Dear Grihastha Coach,

What do you do when you find out that your husband has been unfaithful?  Perhaps you can fight if it was another person, but in our case, it is not another person but I found he’s been dealing with pornography.  I’m so hurt and disappointed.  He is an initiated devotee, so how could he do such nasty thing?  What do we do now?  He says he is so sorry but he said this before and now he’s done it again.  I really can’t stand the thought of him touching me.   Where do we go from here?

Totally disgusted,

Dear Totally,

This material life is very complicated.  Maya means that which is not.  Yet so much of what happens to us seems all too real.  It seems that every person, including devotees, have crosses to bear.  You and your husband probably begin your married life with good intentions and sincere desires to serve Krsna but somewhere long the way, the illusory energy proved too strong.  Lord Krsna declares this is His maya and therefore very difficult to overcome.  We need each other’s help.  We need to be able to accept, despite appearances to the contrary that by sincerely chanting the Holy Names of the lord we are becoming purified, along with our environment and our family.  

You don’t make it clear what your husband’s position on this matter is.  Does he acknowledge that he has a problem?  Is he willing to get help?  If so, there is a strong chance that he will be able to overcome this problem.   Please read the article about pornography in this edition of our newsletter.  There are some tips and suggestions for how you can deal with this challenge.  You would be surprised at how people struggle with this addiction.

Please read: Overcoming pornography: Hope for those who want it

Sincerely,
Your Grihastha Coach